My ongoing experience, advise plz!

[singhb05]

Hello guys and girls...

I have a difficult problem on my hands which I am finding hard to deal with.

Where to start... well I have been married for 9 months now. Not very long at all eh?
I was a little bit naive in thinking I could get along with any decent girl and I could make it happen
with her and be happily married. I'm not a complicated guy and try and keep my life simple. I don't
demand much either.


Well, with all this in mind, I got married and I felt like I was given a new life, a new beginning
and I was happy that I had a woman who I could finally share my future with. I wanted my woman to be like
my best friend. For us to confide in each other, live for each other etc etc.

As in tradition, she moved in to my parents house and she took a break from work for about 3 weeks to settle in.
Things seemed fine until she started work again in around September. She'd come home late often, even though
her place of work is 15 minutes on the bus. Everytime she was running late, she wouldnt call to let me know.
She might text me, but not explaining why. Obviously I called her to find out why shes running late.
But she'd say shes got a meeting and generally make a whole load of excuses. I mean she works in retail, the store
shuts at 6pm and occasionally at 8pm. Dunno how she thought she could get away by telling me shes doing
work related stuff @ 10 or 11pm?! Anyway.. she was basically going out with mates for drinks etc etc. She being
a young 23 yr old east london girl. Now, I got angry because she lied consistently. And then I was angry
at the fact she wasnt really helping getting the marriage on a good start. I didn't understand how
she could spend so much time out and about in the evenings when I had only been married to her for a few weeks.
All I looked forward to during those days, was finising work and going home to see my lovely wife. Only to find
my mum not looking happy and she still not being home or called (i worked an hour away from home.. so i always
expected her home before me).

Things went on like this for a couple of months. I was getting depressed and couldnt hack work so I decided
to get transffered to somewhere closer to home and less pressurised. We argued quite a bit, me and her. She'd tell me how her mates meant so much to her and I explained how I didnt want to be a shadow in her life and that I deserved to be loved too. She really didnt understand how I actually fitted into her life. She didnt give me much thought. She got stressed out onthe fone one late evening (bout 12 midnight) when she had not come home yet even tho she promised me on a call before, she'd be home by 9pm. She yelled at me.. probably been drinking.. said a whole load of abuse and said she was goig home to her parents.

She stayed there for two weeks, and there was minimal contact between us. I missed her so much. I mean, this email
is an out pouring of my grief. But dont get me wrong, she does have a beautiful, bubbly side..usually
when she is around her own family and shes cute in her own way, even when shes angry. She just
wanted to think things through.

I went to see her father at their house and explained how she isn't happy at home cuz she is always out and
hasn't given herself a chance to settle in and build real bonds with my mum and dad. I mean in 6 months
she had only cooked dinner once. Half the time she wasnt home at dinner time. I explained to her father how
I had been trusting of her.. how I didnt mind her mixing with her mates. but she really over did it. I had
tried to think of a solution with my wife before.. how i told her she should go out once a week like the weekend
and that would be cool with me.. or we could go out together in the week etc. I had also allowed her to buy herself
a car... this only seemed to worsen her antics.

So, my wife and her father agreed she would not come home at crazy times like 12, 1am etc. And she'd try and settle
in her new family (well 6 months had gone by since the "new" marriage).

However.. seems like it went thru one ear and out the other.. she repeated her mistakes and she came home late
week in week out.. till my mother had enough, and on one of these nights when my wife decided to come home late
after work, my mum rang her folks and called them over for an urgent meeting.

I was well angry and the grief she had caused my folks, esp my mum and how she had treated me. I felt like
a door mat. I really did.

I spoke frankly to her parents and then I asked for a big commitment from them. I explained that I had given
in to her many times, given her many chances to come good with me. Even had gotten into arguments with my
mum trying to back my wife.. trying to make excuses for her.

I asked my wife to quit her job and sell her car. The aim, for her to first settle down as a married woman and
then we'd see about her job.I explained that I wanted her to be aware at all times that shes married and that
I was the man who had signed to be there for life. And that I deserved a chance in being in her circle of
friends and family. I always felt left out.

They decided to take her home that night so that she could think about what she wanted to do. Bit of a spoilt
daddys girl. He explained how he wanted her daughters happiness (dont they all??). All I could think of
was how I truely wanted her to be happy to.. but she was totally destructive to her own life. The
way she went on would not only drive me away, I believe it would eventually drive her family away too. Because
she is quite stubborn... once shes made her mind up, its hard to change it, even if shes wrong.

Well, she decided that she was going to commit and give up the job and car. I thought the world of her.
I thought wow, this girl, this crazy out going, lil miss stubborness has decided to agree to my terms?
Man, thats amazing. I felt a bit guilty of course. But I thought for the long term this was the best. For
her to get used to married life, understand the responsibilty she has.. and then I'd help her find a job.

A couple of weeks went by.. and she'd try and sweet talk me. How she didnt want to sell the car. How she
loved her car soo much.. and days later she would tell me how she liked her job, how she thought she
was good at what she did.. I tried to ignore this.. thinking lil miss stuborness was trying her luck!


She hadnt exactly quit her job. She got a leave for 3 months. Little did i know, that after this period she would
make a big decision.

3 months later:
She decided that if me and my mum didnt agree for her to go back to her old job, or that she could keep her motor,
she would leave.


I have just come back from Cyprus a week ago.. was on a business trip for about a week. During this time she
was suppose to go back to work. She asked my mother a good few times if she could go back to work at her old
job, and my mother politely explained no, and how she should start finding a new job if shes bored at home now.
When my missus realised she wasnt going to get what she wanted, she went back to her parents house.

So I have not seen my wife in 2 weeks. Last time was before I went to cyprus. She texted while i was there,
and told me that things werent going well at home. And how my mother wouldnt let her keep the car or her old job. So she was going home to speak to her dad. But shes not been back since.


I miss her. But at the same time I feel played. Because that 3 month break she had from work was supposed
to be quality time for her to settle in. And for to have learnt a lesson from her initial mistakes.
My conditions were for her to sell the car, which used to abuse her freedom and secondly to quit
her job which isnt really suitable and where she had too many bad influences from mates.

I feel i have remained loyal, kept faith and hope. So many times Ive been let down.. been kept
wandering where my wife was in the late hours of the night. When she found more time for her friends
than her new husband. I gave her trust, I accepted her independance to a certain degree.. but with the
understanding that I had married a young WOMAN i.e. an adult. I wanted her personality to flourish,
didnt want to tie her down etc. But theres only a certain amount of a crap any of us can take until
they feel unwanted, unloved etc.


I found a letter in my bedroom from her today. Telling me how its not been a happy marriage and shes done
everything that we (mum and me) asked of her like "not working, not driving" and that now shes
got to make decisions for her own life. And how she is leaving it for me to decide.

She says she doesnt want things between her and me to end but she doesnt know what to do.

Is this emotional blackmail?


Her folks have not called us once during the last week. I think she gets too much negative reinforcement from them
whether she is right or wrong and thats why her beliefs are a bit messed up..


I know the 2 and a half months shes been off work were hard for her cuz she spent a lot of time in doors but
at the time I thought she was only gonna learn the hard way. Of course it seems now, she hasnt.

I was a soft when I first got married to her.. and she abused my tolerance. So I thought I had to put my foot
down a little and not be so soft. I guess she feels her time off work didnt bother me. It did, but I thought
it was the right thing to do.


I do have a whole load of love for this girl. But her psychology seems a bit wrong. How can she play
her husband for 3 months like that? All I did was put time, effort and energy.. truely and whole
heartedly... never had a secret plan of my own behind her back. Only thought about *us* and our marriage.


I think she really is failing her self by not learning from mistakes. What if she never learns from
mistakes? My life will be a misery. What if she keeps believing that things will not get better?
I mean if she focuses in on the negative then outcomes can only be negative and things will
not get better?


I feel like giving in. I feel like giving her another chance with her job and car. But am I blinded
by my heart and my own stubborness in trying to make this marriage work?


Your thoughts would help, especially if you are a girl who can relate to my wife here..

Thanks for reading.

_B_

[Bunnypie]

^^Hiya, I dont know about anybody else, but for someone who has taken the time and effort to type this post, and spill his heart, I think we should read and reply.

Well, it is a difficult one, and I cannot even remember the beginning of the post, so I am going to go back and read little parts at a time and reply.

Ok, so going back to the beginning. I'm going to try my best not to pick out all the bad points on your side of things. Im going to try and stay mutual ok, so please dont take offense of anything I say.

Firstly, I noticed that you wrote that you wanted you wife to be like your best friend. This was probably where you initially went wrong. Would it not have been a lot better if you were the best of friends first, and THEN got married? Then, you would havegotten to know what she was like, and gotten to know her habits. What do u think?

Briefly reading through the rest of your post, do u not think you could have been a little bit ''easy going'' with her. I understand that she is your wife, and there is the whole respoct side of things wtih you being her husband, but you need to understand, she is only 23.

Im 23 and married, and even I find it difficult sometimes because I do like my freedom, and I do want to do things with my friends, away from the family, but I know i cannot do that. That is where your wife needs to be a bit more understanding. My way of thinking is that my in-laws come first. Maybe it is not the same with ur wife, but that is where she needs to adjust into your way of living NOT necessarily your way of THINKING! Do not get the two mixed up.

When two people get married, both of the families needs to ADJUST. Not just the husband and wife, but all the family. After you are married, you have 100s of extra relatives join your life, and that is a major thing for both of you.

Try and think about it from your wife's point of view. She's only 23. Porbably straight out of studying/new to work, in2 marriage. It is a very big step.

The next point I have just picked out and would like to comment on is the part where uv gone to Cyrpus and your mom is not letting your wife go back to her old job. Can I ask you a question? Why is your wife not allowed to go back to her old job?

Also, uv stopped her from going to her old job, and taken her car away from her. She is not a baby. You need to start treating her like an adult, like ur wife. If u keep treating her like a little kid, she will keep acting like one!

I found a letter in my bedroom from her today. Telling me how its not been a happy marriage and shes done
everything that we (mum and me) asked of her like "not working, not driving" and that now shes
got to make decisions for her own life. And how she is leaving it for me to decide.

^I APPLAUD UR WIFE!! I think that, that quote should make u think long and hard about the situation. Uv asked her to stop working at her old job, and she has. U told her to give up her car, and she did!! What hasn't she done for you.

You cannot choose where she works, or who she works with. You need to let her make herown mistakes. She will learn from them in her own time. If u force her to not do this, or not do that, then she will do exactly what u dont want her to do. I think she has proved what I have sed in her actions. What do u think?

[Bunnypie]

... You cannot call that emotional blackmail. I think she is just being honest with you, and telling you exactly how the situation is, and that something needs to be done. Throught your post, you have made it seems that your iwfe is not loyal to your marriage, but I think you may need to look a little bit closer to home, to find the resolution.

at the time I thought she was only gonna learn the hard way. Of course it seems now, she hasnt.

.

^^OMG! She is not a little child! Let her make mistakes, let her learn from them in her own time. Its called LIFE!! She is only 23 NOT 53!!! She has her whole life ahead of her, she will make new friends and meet new people, but all in her own time. If u start controlling who she can meet and where she can go, she will rebel and then ur not gna b able to save your relationship!

I think she really is failing her self by not learning from mistakes. What if she never learns from
mistakes?

^^ Have you never made mistakes? Everybody makes mistakes, no matter how bad, trust me I am speaking from experience as a few people on this board will know.

I have made a mistake recently, that ruined my whole life, not just mine, but ruined life for my whole family. But, i learnt from my mistake. You wana know how I learnt from my mistakes, but going out there, being in contact with the people I knew, the poeple who knew what mistake I had made. Havingt o fave them everyday, getting looked at, having them talking behind my back, with me knowing what they were saying.. and having to b strong, never wanting to be in that position again.

Dont stop ur wife from facing the world. You dont need to ''protect'' her from life, you need to let he get out there, get hurt, and b stronger to face anything that life throws at her. Eventualy, she will get hurt, and she will be emotionally/mentally stronger to deal with it! You cannot protect her from life. She needs to learn to protect herself, and she can only do that if u give her the freedom to do it!

[Bunnypie]

I feel like giving in. I feel like giving her another chance with her job and car. But am I blinded
by my heart and my own stubborness in trying to make this marriage work?

^^DO IT!! That is EXACTLY what you need to do!!!!Give her the car back, let her go back to her old job. Let her get in with life, let her go back and make friends, even if she hangs with her old friends, let her!! You cannot tel her who she can and cannot be frends with. That is EXACTLY what you need to do!!!!

I think it is really interesting that a UK guy is being like you are towards his wife. I havnt been married long, but my husband (India) would never trewat me like uv treated ur wife. Not even my in-laws treat me like thagt. Maybe that is why I have so much respect for them.

My final thoughts: Ease up on ur wife. Let her b. She's young, she's still got to experience life. Let her! U will find the love will come back. At the beginning of ur post, u sed u wanted u wife tobe ur best friend, start treating her like one, then maybe she will become that person u r looking for!!

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

TOOK ME AGES TO THINK OF ALL THAT!!

[sandyb]

hey guys, i really wana know wots wrong wit ur wife, if she got a understandin guy lyk u?,

she is in the wrong no wonder ur mum n u wanted her to stop work if she was staying out really l8 wen she a newly wed. she shud b at hme wit her new fami to start with.

a marriage shud b giv n take frm both sides, she cnt keep runnin bk home 2 her parents without sortin it wit u lot yet, fair enuf i undastand her point of view, she shud be allowed 2 carry on as usual but only with her new familys approval, she needs her space but she shudnt distance herself that much, this gal needs a reality check, wot u say? x

[Bunnypie]

^^I agree with the fact that she shouldn't be running back to her parents, but I still think he needs to ease off her. Lert her make the mistakes that she is making.

[sandyb]

^^yh i suppose, but when he got married he wanted sum1 to fall in luv wit, not sum1 to let him dwn, if she wasnt emotionally ready for marriage she shudnt hav gone thru wit it then cos she is ruinin others lifes as well as her own. they seriously need to sit and down and sort it if not go their own seperate ways, cos they both r young n cn get on wit life. its hard tho aint it? x

[Bunnypie]

^^He said he wanted his wife to become his best friend. It shuld be the other way round.

They should have built that friendship as a foundation of their relationship. Through that frendship they would have found out about each others personalities etc. etc. and the problems that have occured in their marriage would have been highlighted in the frendship, and wouldn't have seemed so exagerated as it is in this marriage, because the in-laws are involved on both sides. At least if they had their frendship, n this was happening, it would have just been between the two of them, to get 2 know each other. Thats why I think it is impoertant that u know the person u r going to marry inside out. Otherwise this is what happens, and every1 gets hurt!

P.S I hope this guys comes back and reads this thread.. took me ages to write all this...

[JKD]

shes 23.. but shes acting alot younger! i dont think she realises the meaning of marriage. i mean is that what she normally doesn when shes at home with her rents? go to work and cum back at midnight?

shes cooked wat once in 6 months? im thinking wtf!!

she does sound like a daddies girl.. who always got her own way.. but i gues shes gotta learn the hard way that it aint allways gonna b her shot!

i say he should giv her an ultimatum.. if she wants this marraige to work then shes gotta put her back into it. come home after work.. and wen she does wanna go chill with her mates she goes every so often.. and within decent timing.

but thing i dont undastand is that if ur newly married u'd think that the couple would spend as much time together as poss!

u sure she aint havin an affair? sorii but its jus a question!

i dont think she is or was ready fo marriage! tell her straight up.. she either straightens her act up or she can sodd off. why ruin peoples lives and waste years of ur life wen u cud b spendin it with sum1 who appreciates u n ur family!?!

put ur foot down.. if u havent heard from here or her family.. then y u bothering.. if they genuinely giv a shyt then they'll cum runnin to u!

if shes gone back to her rents .. then its the rents responsibilty to make sure she sorts herself out n does wat a good wifey should do!

a question fo u... how long did u know her b4 u 2 married?

[JKD]

bunnypie said:

^^He said he wanted his wife to become his best friend. It shuld be the other way round.

They should have built that friendship as a foundation of their relationship. Through that frendship they would have found out about each others personalities etc. etc. and the problems that have occured in their marriage would have been highlighted in the frendship, and wouldn't have seemed so exagerated as it is in this marriage, because the in-laws are involved on both sides. At least if they had their frendship, n this was happening, it would have just been between the two of them, to get 2 know each other. Thats why I think it is impoertant that u know the person u r going to marry inside out. Otherwise this is what happens, and every1 gets hurt!

P.S I hope this guys comes back and reads this thread.. took me ages to write all this...

yo gyal dem.. if its an arranged marriage then hardly gonna b able to become best of mates b4 marriage are they? or are they?

[amlijattuk]

singhb05 said:

Where to start... well I have been married for 9 months now. Not very long at all eh?
I was a little bit naive in thinking I could get along with any decent girl and I could make it happen
with her and be happily married. I'm not a complicated guy and try and keep my life simple. I don't
demand much either.

Well first of all you mentioned 9 months.
9 months signifies that your marriage is still in the growing phase.
The seed has just been planted the tree is yet to show, it is still in the ground.

Seems to me that you have spent a lot of time with some in depth information and this is something this is really worrying you.

singhb05 said:

Well, with all this in mind, I got married and I felt like I was given a new life, a new beginning
and I was happy that I had a woman who I could finally share my future with. I wanted my woman to be like
my best friend. For us to confide in each other, live for each other etc etc.

I agree with you this is how I see marriage aswell. But in order for this to work both the husband the wife must feel like this.
Perhaps your Mrs does not feel this is what marriage is?

singhb05 said:

As in tradition, she moved in to my parents house and she took a break from work for about 3 weeks to settle in.
Things seemed fine until she started work again in around September. She'd come home late often, even though
her place of work is 15 minutes on the bus. Everytime she was running late, she wouldnt call to let me know.
She might text me, but not explaining why. Obviously I called her to find out why shes running late.
But she'd say shes got a meeting and generally make a whole load of excuses. I mean she works in retail, the store
shuts at 6pm and occasionally at 8pm. Dunno how she thought she could get away by telling me shes doing
work related stuff @ 10 or 11pm?! Anyway.. she was basically going out with mates for drinks etc etc. She being
a young 23 yr old east london girl.

Although I am not here to criticise any individual or a group of people but at 23 is still very young.
Lots to learn in life let alone marriage.

I must add here that my experiences with women from east
London have not been so great.
Yes the got a decent shagalistic accent but too much concentration on booze and drugs.

Her age is one of the key here.
Perhaps she has rearlised that she is too young for such commitment and seeks to find an answer from within her friends. With whom she grew up with and spents lots of time with them.
She sounds like on of this women that likes to spend lots of time with her mates, even guy ones at that.
I bet since she got married she has felt a very uneasy about the fact that she can no longer go out on the pull.....

You did not mention your age at all how old are you?
How about your previous partner history?

singhb05 said:

Now, I got angry because she lied consistently. And then I was angry
at the fact she wasnt really helping getting the marriage on a good start. I didn't understand how
she could spend so much time out and about in the evenings when I had only been married to her for a few weeks.
All I looked forward to during those days, was finising work and going home to see my lovely wife. Only to find
my mum not looking happy and she still not being home or called (i worked an hour away from home.. so i always
expected her home before me).

your demands sound very high as high as a king, sure you are not of the royal family. lol

Well suprise suprise she resents your strict instructions.
Now you get what I am thinking.
I believe that she is doing something a bit more conspicuous than you are lead to believe she maywell be having an affair or one the pull with different blokes.

I know this will hurt you intitially but you must rule this out if it is not true!

singhb05 said:

Things went on like this for a couple of months. I was getting depressed and couldnt hack work so I decided
to get transffered to somewhere closer to home and less pressurised. We argued quite a bit, me and her. She'd tell me how her mates meant so much to her and I explained how I didnt want to be a shadow in her life and that I deserved to be loved too. She really didnt understand how I actually fitted into her life. She didnt give me much thought. She got stressed out onthe fone one late evening (bout 12 midnight) when she had not come home yet even tho she promised me on a call before, she'd be home by 9pm. She yelled at me.. probably been drinking.. said a whole load of abuse and said she was goig home to her parents.

this is another example to show you that she is not happy with you.
I can't tell you why, perhaps you will know why.

singhb05 said:

She stayed there for two weeks, and there was minimal contact between us. I missed her so much. I mean, this email
is an out pouring of my grief. But dont get me wrong, she does have a beautiful, bubbly side..usually
when she is around her own family and shes cute in her own way, even when shes angry. She just
wanted to think things through.

now during this time do you think she was missing you like crazy?
Ask yourself this question!

singhb05 said:

I went to see her father at their house and explained how she isn't happy at home cuz she is always out and
hasn't given herself a chance to settle in and build real bonds with my mum and dad. I mean in 6 months
she had only cooked dinner once. Half the time she wasnt home at dinner time. I explained to her father how
I had been trusting of her.. how I didnt mind her mixing with her mates. but she really over did it. I had
tried to think of a solution with my wife before.. how i told her she should go out once a week like the weekend
and that would be cool with me.. or we could go out together in the week etc. I had also allowed her to buy herself
a car... this only seemed to worsen her antics.

Well not a good idea getting her the car.
It is like given someone a knife to come and stab you.
Without that knife they can not stab you but with it they can damage you. This is what she has done damaged your marriage even further!

singhb05 said:

I do have a whole load of love for this girl. But her psychology seems a bit wrong. How can she play
her husband for 3 months like that? All I did was put time, effort and energy.. truely and whole
heartedly... never had a secret plan of my own behind her back. Only thought about *us* and our marriage.

how can you love someone if they abuse your trust?
I feel love is based on a world class level of trust.
Without this trust the love can never be true.

singhb05 said:

I think she really is failing her self by not learning from mistakes. What if she never learns from
mistakes? My life will be a misery. What if she keeps believing that things will not get better?
I mean if she focuses in on the negative then outcomes can only be negative and things will
not get better?

"the biggest mistakes are the mistakes from which we learn nothing!"

singhb05 said:

I feel like giving in. I fee
l like giving her another chance with her job and car. But am I blinded
by my heart and my own stubborness in trying to make this marriage work?


Your thoughts would help, especially if you are a girl who can relate to my wife here..

Thanks for reading.

well here is the brief summary.
Sounds to me like she is cheating on you and that you being played like a fool.

What more can you expect from a East London girl? ;D

She sounds young and naive in that she is lacking and fearing marriage experience, specially commitment.

Do you know about her partner history?
Could it be that she is regulary meeting up with an old flame of hers?

Now when she goes out, how about you go with her?
I gurantee you she will not let you come with her.
Which will make you even more suspicious.

You got to have a plan her my friend.
Something that you will put into action.
Do not let her fool your good nature. How about you go out and find out who she hangs around with.

I can't understand why you have not done this to date!


Give the women an ultamatum, because you have given her enough chances.

Be strong and assertive!

Amli

[Bunnypie]

jusi said:

yo gyal dem.. if its an arranged marriage then hardly gonna b able to become best of mates b4 marriage are they? or are they?

^^Iv had an arranged marriage, and still became the bets of frends with my husband b4 marrying him...

[parasrampur]

i plan on having an arranged marriage, dude u should tell the girl she has to respect ur parents and if she is a bit*h 2 them she's gone from ur life, this is wat im gonna say 2 my wife

- Must Respect My Parents if she dont shes gone
- Must not go out clubbing with other guys and do naughty stuff(im sure people kno wat i mean)
- Must not drink(i aint talkin bout water or coke) or Smoke
- Must tell the truth, shouldn't lie to me or my parents

and i still have 2 think of other stuff, i still got 6-7years b4 i get married.

[sandyb]

ur layin dwn the law aint u! i suppose its probly tha best way, x

[singhb05]

Thanks for reading guys.

Sorry it;s taken a day to reply. My computer at home doesnt like forums so I cant post. So i'm here at a net cafe.

Thanks Bunnypie, I do appreciate your time and input in replying.

You know I did try and get to know her before we got married. When we were engaged, I called her and tried to go out with her many times. But most the times she was too busy to talk much and never available to go out. I only managed to hook up qith her like 3 times in the year before we got married..

She's 24 now btw. It's not her age tbh. I know girls who are 23 and they're understanding and knowledge of life-long commitments is way higher than my missus. I know it has been hard for her. Because her parents are very liberal, I mean her old man lets em drink in the house, sometimes with him, on a normal ordinary day. But I think I disagree with you Bunnypie, where you think she doesnt need to adjust her thinking to my way of thinking.

Ever heard the saying, love is not just about looking into each others eyes, its also about looking in the same direction?

bunnypie said:

^^
Try and think about it from your wife's point of view. She's only 23. Porbably straight out of studying/new to work, in2 marriage. It is a very big step.

I do try and think of it from my wifes poit of view.. but it doesnt justify what she has done. Shes been outta skool since 18, and been in work since.. so shes had 6 years of freedom. I am 27, left uni at 22, so ive had 5 years of freedom. She _is_ immature for her age.

bunnypie said:

^^

The next point I have just picked out and would like to comment on is the part where uv gone to Cyrpus and your mom is not letting your wife go back to her old job. Can I ask you a question? Why is your wife not allowed to go back to her old job?

I understand how I cannot force someone to work elsewhere, not to hang out with her old buddies. But shes my wife, I dont want her to work somewhere where the manager drinks on the shopfloor! That is not a professional environment by a long way. You become like the people who you hang around with. I accept her for who she is, but I will not accept her being influenced by such people. Shes not a kid, I know, but she is immature and I love her. Naturally I want her to grow up, into a woman. It does take mistakes to shape a person, yea, but what if mistakes had no negative consequences.. would anyone learn? Her folks may give her a slap on the wrist and everything is back to normal after that.. you see, she gets away with a whole lot.

I mean back in November, when she went home for two weeks? Her father never knew she was staying there for two weeks... I mean what kind of a father doesnt know his own daughter is staying in the same house? I understand he works and stuff but that is just careless in my opinion.

My house consists of me, my lil bro, mum and dad and then my wife. We have 3 cars including hers.. first off it doesnt make sense her having one.. i only allowed it cuz she really wanted it. Secondly, the car just allows her to make up more excuses.. like I had to drop my mate of 20 miles away. etc etc. Sometimes she uses any excuse to get out the house.. I can let her keep the car, it will only mean me getting hurt more.

It's me and my mum who get hurt when she lies, or makes up excuses.

bunnypie said:

^^

Also, uv stopped her from going to her old job, and taken her car away from her. She is not a baby. You need to start treating her like an adult, like ur wife. If u keep treating her like a little kid, she will keep acting like one!

When we first got married, I treated her like any wife should be treated. Im 100% on that. I gave her respect, trust, didnt doubt a word she said and allowed her to to go out and socialise. But that is where it went terribly wrong. Thats where she was out 4nights a week. She came home tipsy loads of times.. and where she started lying about where she really was. Dont you see? I did approach the marriage in an open way, hoping she knew what was what and how she should manage her life.

I'm not a Bas!*rd. Really.

What goes to say that if I again go back to how I started off, that she doesnt go back to abusing my trust? It will be hard for me to be open that way, without suspecting and being afraid of getting hurt because of her actions.. but I could do it I guess.

bunnypie said:

^^

Dont stop ur wife from facing the world. You dont need to ''protect'' her from life, you need to let he get out there, get hurt, and b stronger to face anything that life throws at her. Eventualy, she will get hurt, and she will be emotionally/mentally stronger to deal with it! You cannot protect her from life. She needs to learn to protect herself, and she can only do that if u give her the freedom to do it!

Im confused. She is not a damsel in distress who needs to become stronger so she can face the world. Shes going out partying while me and my family are getting hurt. Bunnypie, but what about the others? Like me and my family. Is it okay for her to hurt me and my family just because she hasnt learnt the things she should already know? She doesnt acknoweldge her mistakes most the times. It's not about her trying to become a stronger person. It's about the fact she clings to her old lifestyle like it's the best thing about her.
[/b][/quote]

bunnypie said:

I think it is really interesting that a UK guy is being like you are towards his wife. I havnt been married long, but my husband (India) would never trewat me like uv treated ur wife. Not even my in-laws treat me like thagt. Maybe that is why I have so much respect for them.

I'm not a Bas!*rd. Honest. I guess you havent understood my post. What misery she put me and my family through. How I gave her free will. Understanding I married and ADULT. How I was the one waiting at home for her 3 or 4 times a week when the clock hit 1am. How I received her home in a tipsy state. How I face up to a girl who doesnt believe she is doing anything wrong.

I argued with my mum to bak my missus on all of these occasions. I forgave her and accepted her with open arms when she came back home after running away to her parents house for two weeks.

How I forgave her lying. If I had not known better she would have made me feel terribly guilty for doubting her. But since I knew she werent at work a certain time, I knew she was lying point blank in my face, protecting her lies so fiercely that any by stander would think she was being truthful.


Thanks for your feedback Bunny, Jusi and sandyb

Just to confirm to you Jusi, she is a daddys girl!

I dont think she is having and affair. 99% certain. I think I would know. And if she liked someone else before we got married, she would have mentioned it to her parents and theyre quite liberal.

Thanks, Jusi.. I agree.. I should of atleast had a fone call from her folks. But thing is, I havent.

Jusi, I knew her for nothing. We were engaged for a year and a half but she was only able to hook up like 3 or 4 times and rarely had time on the phone for me. I always called her, she never called me.

Thanks Amli, Panjabi By Nature. Appreciate you guys reading and leaving feedback.


I think I will let fate decide on what's to happen to my marriage.

[sandyb]

thas ok, i understand it must b hard 4 u, im here if u wana chat or need ne advice, gd luck i hope she sorts herself out, u seem lyk a good guy so try ur best to sort out the problem if not u will hav to think bout ur future. let us know how u get, wil b thinkin bout u, sandy xxx

[gigteam]

Hi singhb05,

Just could not help reading the post fully again to see what we could pick from the post - about Love , commitment, sharing , trust & honesty, eastern or western values

it looks obvious that your problems stem from the "fact" that both of you do not have time for each other ie she is happy away from the family when you are at work + ur mrs drinks & comes home late( & drunk)+ has not got the traditional eastern values e.g cooking !

singhb05 you do not mention how much in common you have with your wife e.g sports, Tv, going out - dinning or clubbing, etc this helps build relationships - even getting your mrs to cook for you - but you also have to be around while shes cooking for her sense of purpose. She likes her car & work -but do you show interest in these things or talk about how her day went ?

singhb05 the post makes you look like a very good guy esp moving jobs etc - but every action has a reaction in marriage good or bad - can you tell us how you really talk to her i.e angry , shouting or with pure love when making her understand your true hurt at what she does.

singhb05 in summary how much time do you have for your wife - the first years of marriage are heavy and loaded with issues and you both need time to adjust & reach compromises for a successful relationship - remember school - remember your best friends they all did the things you did so you would do things together and have fun - your mrs is still doing that maybe you have not given her an alternative in you & your family.

singhb05 - this post is not dig at you or ur mrs but we are hoping that what we all say makes you both re-examine your lives and priorities and hopefully get back together if that’s what you both want or go your separate ways but look positively to the future.

We all make mistakes but need to learn from them and move forward. Its great that you have picked Punjab2000 message board to post your message - but remember we or anyone else on the forum are not authorised marriage councillors and you should seek professional help as we take no responsibilities of the posts.

Punjab2000 "Auntyji" !

[Bunnypie]

gigteam said:

We all make mistakes but need to learn from them and move forward. Punjab2000 "Auntyji" !

^^I said that too....

[JKD]

geeza..

maa days.. im so shocked.. u knew the gyal for a YEAR AND A HALF!! iv known my best mate for a year.. and i know alot of his family well within that tym! and u didnt even get to know ur fiancee that well?

im sorry but u should have picked up on that tymm back! if a gyal aint got tym to link her hubby to be or even ring him so often then thats ringing bells from day ! dont u agree?

did that not say alot to u in itself? i mean why was she so busy? all she did was go work and come home to mums cooking and a clean house.

at the end of the day "Everything happens for a reason" and i dont know wat to say apart from the fact that im stil shocked!

the girls NEVER had tym fo u.. its nt like shes changed.. she never was the good old wifey init

i dont fink shes gona get her priorities in order to be honest. her own dad didnt know she was stayin at home fo 2 weeks?? that goes to show her upbringing.

i gotta ask u this... what made u think she was a decent girl?? i mean u can tell alot from some ones parents! if the parents are careless.. then surely the children (in most cases) follow hunna

me or any one here is never gonna b able to undastand ur situaton fully or even view it in the way u view ur situation.. so only u can make a decision thats the best fo u and ur family.

not only do u need or want a "decent" kuri.. but u want one with traditional values.. and a girl who realises the importance of family life.. which ur wifey at the mo aint exactly got (from my point of view neway)

this is a tonne easier said then done.. bt u gotta stop wasting valuable days/months/years of yo life and find urself the vohti u want and the nau ur rents want and phabi ur bro wants.

the rest.. is upto the big guy upstairs! rab rakha.

[Baldeep]

'You know I did try and get to know her before we got married. When we were engaged, I called her and tried to go out with her many times. But most the times she was too busy to talk much and never available to go out. I only managed to hook up qith her like 3 times in the year before we got married..'

That says it all, if she couldnt spend time gettin to know you before you got married, why now? 3 times in a year!!

Totally agree with jusi's post above..and from the sounds of it, this girl aint going to change the attitude shes been brought up with.

[JKD]

amlijattuk said:

What more can you expect from a East London girl? ;D

sorri but thats jus wrong.. u cant go generalising sum1 as to wat area theyre from!!

[singhb05]

Hello peepz,

Thanks for your opinions and views guys. It's good to get the views of my fellow punjabiz.. especially since you lot are of my generation.

Cuz you know, I am a bit of an old fashioned guy at heart and I can be a bit "tuff" on people, esp. family and friends.. i have my itty bitty expectations of life.. but i am aware of that. thats one of the reasons i came her.. to see what "normal" folks thought.

I met up with my missus yesterday evening. it was great to see her and she was happy to see me. we didnt delve into the serious bits too much but what I did establish is that she does want to continue with me but is a bit uncertain as to how to go forward.

she does admits that she messed up by socialising with her buddies too much but put this down to the stress of not settling in nicely with my family. she had calmed down on her outings for the last 12 weeks or so. so i see progress and thats a relief for me.

I know her heart is in the right place. things get sticky when we canot find a balance between the way of the world according to my mothers views and the way of the world according to hers.

If we get back together i guess I will have to become the moderator between them. And be more assertive with both.

I have to admit, im a bit of a mummys boy and do not like to see her upset. but she does have her petty moments.. like not approving of my wifeys combat trousers! i found it amusing but wifey didnt.

she is looking for another job, and i am willing for her to keep hold of her beloved car.. since its not the car that was the problem. it was her.

thing is, I love this girl in a way she doesnt see. what i saw in her before i got married was her bubbly character, her love for her father and family. she has a massive heart but still learning how to be a _woman_, a married woman at that.

It's because i love her, that i want to see her become a woman. to think at the next level.. which involves thinking about the future and making plans. and not just having a ball in the present.. altho the present is still v.important.

my job would be much easier if her folks supported me. but theyve never shown any support.. their actions seem to back her bad behaviour.. like now, that shes gone back home, theyve not called me mum or dad.

It's hard when it seems that I am fighting for this marriage on my own.. friends tell me why im bothering so much if no one else gives a shyt.

I just tell em I do things the old way, i.e. only marry once and only take one woman for my partner.

gigteamsinghb05 you do not mention how much in common you have with your wife e.g sports, Tv, going out - dinning or clubbing, etc this helps build relationships - even getting your mrs to cook for you - but you also have to be around while shes cooking for her sense of purpose. She likes her car & work -but do you show interest in these things or talk about how her day went ?


we dont have a whole lot in common.. thats not good but i try and involve myself in her interests. she likes going out! lol, we all do but she doesnt share other interests i do.. but i guess maybe they will rub on to her.


Jusi, i gotta ask u this... what made u think she was a decent girl?? i mean u can tell alot from some ones parents! if the parents are careless.. then surely the children (in most cases) follow hunna


her ol man does seva in the gurudawara every sunday.. you'd think this kind of unselfishness would have been passed on to the kids but it doesnt seem that way. however just becoz he does seva dont make him a saint.. and he isn't.

gigteam I agree we need to re-examine our lives. i think me more so. because i had this picture of how things would be when i got married. how my wifey would be and how we'd be together.

since things have not turned out that way. ive got to throw away that picture i had painted and start painting a new one with me holding the paint brush together with me missus.

thanks again guys..

_B_

[sandyb]

hope things sort themselves out, things seem as if they r goin well, make sure u keep ur wife n ur mum happy, so glad 4 u.

sandy x

[Ghost...]

me too!

[Deleted]

i think if u do take her back u should give her a taste of her own medicine the only problem with that is that she wont be home to notice it. its so wrong.

how old is this woman, im 22 and even i know thats stupid behaviour. i say let her loose u can do better dont worry about ur families rep it'll be her that looks bad in the end