|
Post by Jatti kuri on Nov 24, 2004 11:55:21 GMT
Ok from reading the msg board i can see that marriage, regilion and castes are hot topic. So let see what you guys come back to on this topic. I met my hubby in college and we have together for 8 years and been married for 4 of those but i am not happy and have tried to leave him. I caused my parents a lot of grief when i initially married hin cos he is a Gurjati and i am jatt, sikh....i really thought i was doing the right thing at the time i guess i was wrong!! Even though my family know the problems that we are going through they won't let me leave him. I dont want to hurt them anymore but i don't know what to do to make things right....any advise?
|
|
|
Post by IT girl on Nov 25, 2004 11:18:30 GMT
I fell sorry for you
The questions is do you have any kids?
Have u got somewhere to go if u do leave him?
Is there any point staying in this marriage if u are unhappy?
I know parents dont help
But maybe you just need to find that love that u had in the first place to get married
gud luck
|
|
|
Post by Jatti Kurri on Nov 25, 2004 15:58:59 GMT
Hiya thanks for your reply,
No I have not got any children.
No I have not got anyway to go if I leave him other than my parents house and to be honest if I do leave him my family would not let me go anyway else.
If I go with the way I feel then no there is no point staying with someone if you are not happy. However, if I do leave him I risk losing my family all over again!!!
With reference to the love that we once had when we got married I have tried to rekindle it but my feeling always resort back to not wanting to be with him.
|
|
IS IT CUS HE GUJARATI
Guest
|
Post by IS IT CUS HE GUJARATI on Nov 25, 2004 16:15:53 GMT
would you solmely say your problem lies due to the cultural difference of him being a gujarati? is he strong of his Hindu background and you feeling clashes due to your sikhi background? i know plenty of guji guys with apni jattia.or is the problem just him? hope you ok!
|
|
|
Post by Jatti Kuri on Nov 26, 2004 10:30:34 GMT
Hiya,
If I be honest with you then yes they are times where the culture differences become a problem but that is not caused by him as much cos he is not as religious as I am but his family are and I really hate that, as I feel as if I am having to do what they want me to. However, I can say that a lot of our problems are caused by him and the fact that he is very insecure and refuses to let me go. I am relieved to know that I am not the only jatti that is going thru this….it make it that little bit easier to deal with it. Thank you!!
|
|
|
Post by RUPI on Nov 30, 2004 12:20:37 GMT
Hi. Im kind ov in a similar situation. My man is jatt, and i am tarkan. We really wana get married but his family are sayin no. Ive told my family but they keep tellin me 2 forget him, as he's family dont want me, so theres no point and even if we do get married, his family are't acceptin me now, how will they treat me when we do get married. Their stickin to their no, but my man wont take no 4an answer. i dont wana lose him, he's a good guy and i love him. Maybe things may change after marraige, he may change too. I dont wana regret it either......
|
|
|
Post by Jatti Kuri on Nov 30, 2004 12:32:37 GMT
It’s a difficult situation I know I can totally understand where you are coming from but at the end of the day you have got to try and see where yours and his parents are coming from. They are not say no to hurt you but because they no the complications that will occur from your marriage. I was just like your man when it came to me wanting to marry my hubby, I didn’t take no for answer…and look at me now I totally regret my decision and now understand why his and my family were refusing. Now I understand the pain and shame I bought to my family cos there are still going through as I am not happy and want to go home. There want to take me back but do not want to listen the grief from the rest of the family all over again! I can tell you this much both your lives will change dramtically after you get married and the pressure from 2 different castes will kick in all the time and trust me it will cause a lot of heartache. However, if you truly love him and want to be with him the do what you feel is right at the end of the day its your life and your right you don’t want to have any regrets. Good Luck!
|
|
|
Post by RUPI on Nov 30, 2004 12:38:12 GMT
YEH, I KNOW LIFE DOES CHANGE AFTER MARRAIGE. I GET ON WITH HIS SISTERS BUT ITS JUS HIS PARENTS. I COULDN'T FACE IT IF SOMETHIN DID GO WRONG AND I HAD TO GO BACK 2MY FAMILY, AND THEY'D BE THERE WITH THE "WE TOLD YOU SO" PHRASE. DID YOU HAVE 2PERSUADE UR FAMILY ALOT? DID UZ MARRY IN A GURDWARA OR MANDHIR? DID YOU STILL DO THE MAIYAH AND CHOORA AND STUF???
|
|
|
Post by Jatti Kuri on Dec 2, 2004 11:35:00 GMT
Its good that you get on with his sisters…but don’t forget that one day they are going to get married and its just going to be you, him and his parents. You can't predict what will happen after you get married….so I would really think long and hard about it before making any decision and don’t forgot in the Indian culture you don’t just marry a man but his whole family and you will be the one that will be making all the sacrifices not him. Even though your situation is different to mine as you are both Punjabi…you still have to think about it I don’t want anyone to make the same mistakes as I did that then later on regret them! I got married the Gujarat way only cos my family didn’t want anything to do with it and no I did not have a maiyah or do the choora. To be honest with you cos I didn’t get to do all our marriage rituals I don’t feel as if I am married…if you no what I mean. I can not express in words how much I truly regret my marriage and wish that I had listen to my parents and taken in what they were saying cos I would not be in this situation now.
|
|
|
Post by You better off on Dec 4, 2004 21:47:17 GMT
I really dnt think you should blame cause he a GUJARATI.I married a sikh guy i was cheackin for 8 years till we got married.the when we married he stopped takin me out and expected me to cook for his friends family. He goes and womaniser and flirts with other.He changed and just seduced me at first. I wish i cud get out but cant. My friend married a Guj and is happy shes jatt. But sometime things cant be all that bad.
|
|
|
Post by Dee on Dec 7, 2004 11:14:30 GMT
Marriage is never going to be the same as when two people go out with each as so many other factors come into force such as family, finance, less freddom, kids, work, living together. It can be just as good but will always be different.
So when any girls is thinking of marrying her dream man who meets her 3 times a week, takes her cinema one, restaurant the other, both have to remember that things do change.
Another peice of advice I have been given is to always have money put aside incase of any incidents in which you need to leave the marriage. If you have your "f**k off" money then you will have more financial freedom and will not get stuck in a marriage you do not want to be in.
|
|
|
Post by Dipz on Feb 5, 2005 23:10:51 GMT
my advice 2 u is dat u get in touch with 'deidre'.....she very helpful in these topics...u can contact her from 'the sun' newspaper...gud luck
|
|
|
Post by MissDesi on Feb 7, 2005 1:46:46 GMT
Do u have any kids? Is he aware how unhappy u are? Do u have the support of anyone who u have told?? Do u have somewhere to go if u leave him?
|
|
|
Post by Jatti Kaur on Feb 7, 2005 14:53:13 GMT
Do u have any kids? No I haven't got any children Is he aware how unhappy u are? Yeah he knows but he is in denial…he believes he can make me happy. Do u have the support of anyone who u have told?? Yeah I do Do u have somewhere to go if u leave him? Sort of but if I do leave him I have to go back to my parents, there wont allow me to do my own thing. If you no wat I mean!!!
|
|
|
Post by bham da jatt on Feb 7, 2005 22:23:21 GMT
hey jatti kaur, hope ur well.
what i probably say might sound a bit harsh, so im sorry in advance for that.
like miss desi said, i do think u need to try n give it a try first, with even more effort. thats the advise id give for a person that is even in the same caste or relgion.
u said he's in denial, u need to take his attention away n make him clear of what ur goin through, relationships r obviously very sensitive issues, they r like games n the better u play those games, the better ur outcome in like will be.
talkin always works in relationships, n if need be then i think u should consider some counciling. it sounds scary, but more often that not, does actually work cuz u n ur partner will c things from the others prespective - very important!
however, if things r still nto working, then mayb spend some time away from each other with a mutual understanding as to y. r u sure he's not havin an affair btw?
par from all this, i think this is the problem of gettin married to ppl from different castes/religions, we as the kids seen to think we know what we're doin, n even if our parents say otherwise, we dont believe them cuz we say "we're in love" - this is exactly the point ive tried to prove in m yother messages. reason y i said im being harsh; cuz i dont want u cryin over spilt milk, whatever has happebed is the past, n its not gonna change.
u need to try n work things out now, if not then dont forget, uve gotta look after no1 - YOURSELF!
best of luck, regards
bham da jatt
|
|
|
Post by Jatti Kaur on Feb 11, 2005 17:11:46 GMT
Hey Bham the Jatt
Thank you for the advise. It makes sense and I can see where you are coming from. Before I continue I would just like to say you haven't offended me in any way.
Firstly im think I can confidently say that he is not having an affair. In fact he seems to think that I am the one that is having an affair….I have lost count of how many times he has said to me.
To be honest I have never lied to hubby about my feeling towards him even though I know when I tell him it really hurts him and he cant believe that I am actually saying these things to him. But I truly believe you must be honest within a relationship especially when it comes to love and trust. If one person does not love the other and pretends to show they do then what's the point of being in that relationship….you're not helping anyone, you're just making things worse.
But I also believe that you have got to try everything before you decide to walk away from a marriage. I have felt like this since the 1st year for my marriage but was worried that if I walk away I would be doing the wrong and the fact after hurting my parents so much when I married him what would it do to them if I leave him.
I can truly say from the bottom of my heart that I have really tried to make my marriage work and am still trying but I always revert back to wanting to leave and the fact that I truly do not love my hubby also plays a big part.
I have to agree with you when our parents tell us that we are making the biggest mistake of our lives and we will regret our decision they no what they are talking about. I was so stubborn when I wanted to marry hubby I didn’t listen to a word my family said and I hurt them so much. I will never forgive myself for that. When I think about it I as so stupid but like you said there is no point crying over spilt milk. Its not going to change the situation.
Your right I do have to look after number one….but its so hard making that first step and the fact that my parents are going to get it im the neck from the rest of the family is not making it any easier.
Thank once again.
Jatti Kaur.
|
|
|
Post by bham da jatt on Feb 12, 2005 13:46:37 GMT
hey jatti kaur, hope your well im glad ive not offended u, was a little worried that i did. n there is no need to say thanks in any shape or form, if i ever feel that i can help some1 resolve some of their problems and make them happier, than im just fulfillin my duty as a human. u say ur confident he's not havin an affair, im sure ur right, but i will also tell u, some of us guys as well as girls i guess can b very sly, so dont completely rule it out. if he thinks u r, then again, the solution i suggested: "talk" - u need to talk to him n make it clear ur not. it leads me to believe that mayb its cuz there is a lack of trust in ur relationship that things r not goin so smoothly. for me relationships is about 100% honesty n full trust, so can i suggest that u need to both work on building that trust again. yes its right to b honest n tellin him u dont feel the love for him any longer. can i ask u obviously loved him (or thought u loved him) at the time u got married, ask yourself "what can i do to try and make that love come back into our lives" n do it! about givin it a try, ur doin the right thing, n yes u do have to try everything cuz marriage is more important that him being ur husband, there is a lot more than that. if we look at it from a religious prospective then marriage is the start of one's gristhi jeevan, its the joinin of two souls till death do apart. so yes give it ur all, but as i said; look after no1 - YOU! yes there isnt any point cryin over spilt milk, in a nasty way, its like uve made the mistake now bare the consequences, sorry i dont mean that in a harsh way. but its like in life, i like to make mistakes n learn from them, uve made a mistake, and unfortunately for u its a very big mistake, but what u can do now is ur best to rectify it n also spread the message in what uve been through, so less n less youngsters of today's era make the same mistake. do look after urself jatti kaur, all the best to u. whenever u wanna ask anymore then dont hesitate jus put up a post of pm me. take care bham da jatt x
|
|
|
Post by HMCHater on Feb 16, 2005 9:33:57 GMT
Womens Aid, they will help you out!!!!
|
|
|
Post by bham da jatt on Feb 17, 2005 13:20:42 GMT
dont know who women's aid is n cant b bothered to go to their website either. but sorry hater, i dont agree with u. i think we can give better opinions or advice than they can, cuz we, well at least i can feel where jatti kaur is comin from, from a cultural point of view, we can directly relate to it.
if women's aid is some1 gorafied, then what will they know?
anyway, hope things r goin well jatti kaur x
|
|
|
Post by JaTT on Feb 18, 2005 0:19:53 GMT
bham da jatt...well handled bruv hopr jatti all good now.....your rite BDJ......
|
|
|
Post by MissDesi on Feb 22, 2005 10:37:56 GMT
Sit him down and tell him how u feel. If he doesnt listen than tell him how unhappy u are and that ur thinking of leaving.
It might knock some sense into him. If u dont want to go back home, can u support urself? get a flat or home? If u think u have tried as much as u can, u need to get out. if after 8 years its this bad ask urself how much more are u willing to suffer?
|
|
|
Post by bham da jatt on Feb 22, 2005 15:04:18 GMT
well i dont really think he's doin anything wrong, is he jatti kaur? if he isnt, then miss desi: he doesnt need any sense knocked in him at all.
it needs to be a mutual discussion where i dont think any1 is at wrong, or shall i say ur both at wrong.
i would add that the only thing that is gonna get u through it is love, if its not there then try n find it, if u cant find it then like miss desi said, make a decision quickly.
ur probably not too old yet to get settled elsewhere, but u might b in a few years....
love, bham da jatt x
|
|
|
Post by ~*~rezy~*~ on Feb 22, 2005 20:41:54 GMT
bham da jatt i agree wid ya hun!
i feel sowwi 4 ya sis! gud luck! but if u reeeely lov him stick 2 him!!!
|
|
|
Post by Jatti Kaur on Feb 23, 2005 8:52:36 GMT
Hiya Guys!!!!
It’s amazing what kinda advice you can get from different people. So thank you all for taking the time out for my situation.
Bham da Jatti it good to hear from you again….hope you are well and studying hard as it is your final year…if im not mistaken!!!
Yeah….for a relationship both partners need to trust each other 100%. In my relationship there is a lack of that…even though my hubby has given me reason to doubt him I still trust that he would never cheat on me….and I also asked him just after we got married that if he was tempted or wanted to be with some1 else then to just be honest with me so that we can break on good terms!!
Your right talking does help…but that is only if the other person is willing to listen…im not the type of person that likes to bring out things over and over again….when my hubby 1st accused me of having an affair I had it out with him…in a diplomatic manner b4 you ask!!! It wasn’t easy as it does hurt when the man you left everything for accused you for such a thing! Don’t get me wrong when he says it to me now I will defend myself and try and talk to him but not to the extent of the 1st instances.
With regards to rekindling the love that I once had from him…its not easy…my hubby has broken my heart….he has hurt me in such a way that I never thought he would…I have tried so hard to put it in the pass but it so hard….as I fear it may happen again!!! He is fully aware of this and no manner what he says it is so hard to forget that! Marriage is very important and I believe that when you do make that step it is for life therefore me wanting to leave him is not an over night decision. If I never cared about this marriage I would have left within the 1st year but I wanted to make my marriage work not for society but for me and my hubby after all I gave up everything to be with him!! However, no I feel is if I am suffocating being with him…it is so hard to control you emotions and feeling when you are around some that you don’t want to be with…but I have to do it for the sack for my family!!
B4 I married my hubby I never did anything to ashamed my parents….I did what everything they told me to…I hand my father's respect so highly and tried to everything so that nothing with change that. But what can I say I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.
People say that if you love some1 so much then go for it….from experience I can say that that is a hole hold of crap….there are some many other things that you have to take into consideration and the fact that marriage is not a joke. I guess I chose not to think about those things when I made my decision and no look at me. If they is any1 out there that is thinking of doing what I have I would think again coos it is defo not worth it…there is more heart attack and that your family will not support you if things go wrong!!! Trust me on this one….I no wat I am talking about!!!
Lots of love
Jatti Kaur x
|
|
|
Post by Nick on Feb 23, 2005 20:48:17 GMT
im in the same situation. Im a Jatt 24 from Bham and married a hindu at a very early age, now im regretting it and i ve now got in touch with divorce lawyers. Trust me email me at nicks3883@hotmail.com and ill tell u what to do. You only live once and if ur not happy get rid of him, think of yourself not others, its your life. Everyone makes mistakes Put your mistakes wright before its too late.
|
|