Post by Kamlee on Feb 5, 2006 13:24:58 GMT
Putting It In
A guy enters confessional and says to the priest with guilt,
"I had an
affair...almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean almost?
The guy says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against
each other, but
then I stopped."
"In the eyes of the Lord, rubbing against each other is the
same as
putting it in," says the priest. "For your penance, say five
Hail Mary's
and put $20 in the poor box."
The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then
walks over to the
poor box. He pauses for a moment then starts to leave.
The priest, seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says,
"You didn't
put any money in the poor box!"
The guy stops and says, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $20 on the
box, and in the
eyes of the Lord, that's the same as putting it in."
The i am so stupid that i keep posting this bit*h
A mother was working in the i am so stupid that i keep posting this listening to her
5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of
you sons of bit*hes who want off, get the hell off now... cause this
is the
last stop! And all of you sons of bit*hes who are getting on, get your
asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to
your
room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you
may
play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and
hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again
soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those
of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We
hope
you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For
those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the
bit*h in the i am so stupid that i keep posting this.
GOLF PAIN
Two women were playing golf. One teed off,
and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and
he
immediately clasped his hands together, at his groin, fell to the
ground,
and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and
immediately began to
apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a
physical therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me,"
she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in
a few minutes," the
man replied.
He was still in pain, lying in the fetal
position, still clasping
his hands together in his groin. But, she
persisted, and he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away,
and laid them to the side. She loosened his
pants, and
put her hands inside. She began to massage
him,
and then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb
still hurts like hell."
These are hilarious!
Here are six reasons why you should think before you
speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here
are the testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and
a
blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My
husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of
golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's
balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the
display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I
replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to
laugh
hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To
this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some spent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally
able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she
would
be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just
as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was
deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they
were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with
my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me,
were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying
my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then realized that Danny
had
not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he
said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I
don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must
have
had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked
one
more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,
yanked
down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM,
IT! 'S
JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple
made me
feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for
2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
future,
likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but
don't
get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was
supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,
where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have
to
leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone
you know who needs a Good Laugh.........
Subject: Subject: I Love Your Ears
A young man moved into a new apartment of his
own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there,
an
attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes,
wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a
conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and
it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a
sweat
trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her
hand on
his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He
followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it,
allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you
say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
"It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My
ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I
work out
every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no
blemishes
anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my
ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside,
when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
LITTLE JUAN
Little Juan is in the 4th grade. It's "Good
Health and Healthy Eating
Week" at school.
Everyday of the week in class they're
discussing healthy eating habits
and eating healthy foods. The Teacher asked
them to come to school on
Friday dressed as their favorite food to
school.
Sure enough, on Friday all the kids come
dressed in their costumes.
Teacher: "Oh, ya'll look so cute and so nice.
You first, Little Judy."
Little Judy is dressed in a red, round outfit
with a green hat on.
Little Judy: "I'm an apple. I'm high in Vitamin
A, I'm high in
carbohydrates, I'm just good for the whole
body."!
Teacher: "How about you, Little Jimmy?"
Little Jimmy stands up and he's dressed up in a
long, yellow outfit.
Little Jimmy:
"I'm a banana. I'm high in Vitamin E, I'm high
in Potassium, I'm just
food for the whole body."
Teacher: "Wow! That is very impressive, little
Jimmy, great. Okay,
who's
next?"
All of a sudden, the door bursts open. It's
Little Juan. He is
butt-naked, wearing a pair of cowboy boots and
cowboy hat. The teacher
is infuriated!!
Teacher: "Little Juan!! What do you think your
doing? What are you
supposed to be dressed as??"
Little Juan: "Huevos Rancheros!!"
===============================================================
This equation should be taught in all
math classes!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint
it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean
to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are
giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up
100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula
that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% !
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will
take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard
work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude
will get you there, it's the BullS#!t and Ass kissing that will
put you over the top.
A guy enters confessional and says to the priest with guilt,
"I had an
affair...almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean almost?
The guy says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against
each other, but
then I stopped."
"In the eyes of the Lord, rubbing against each other is the
same as
putting it in," says the priest. "For your penance, say five
Hail Mary's
and put $20 in the poor box."
The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then
walks over to the
poor box. He pauses for a moment then starts to leave.
The priest, seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says,
"You didn't
put any money in the poor box!"
The guy stops and says, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $20 on the
box, and in the
eyes of the Lord, that's the same as putting it in."
The i am so stupid that i keep posting this bit*h
A mother was working in the i am so stupid that i keep posting this listening to her
5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of
you sons of bit*hes who want off, get the hell off now... cause this
is the
last stop! And all of you sons of bit*hes who are getting on, get your
asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to
your
room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you
may
play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and
hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again
soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those
of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We
hope
you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For
those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the
bit*h in the i am so stupid that i keep posting this.
GOLF PAIN
Two women were playing golf. One teed off,
and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and
he
immediately clasped his hands together, at his groin, fell to the
ground,
and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and
immediately began to
apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a
physical therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me,"
she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in
a few minutes," the
man replied.
He was still in pain, lying in the fetal
position, still clasping
his hands together in his groin. But, she
persisted, and he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away,
and laid them to the side. She loosened his
pants, and
put her hands inside. She began to massage
him,
and then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb
still hurts like hell."
These are hilarious!
Here are six reasons why you should think before you
speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here
are the testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and
a
blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My
husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of
golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's
balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the
display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I
replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to
laugh
hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To
this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some spent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally
able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she
would
be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just
as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was
deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they
were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with
my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me,
were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying
my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then realized that Danny
had
not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he
said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I
don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must
have
had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked
one
more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,
yanked
down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM,
IT! 'S
JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple
made me
feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for
2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
future,
likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but
don't
get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was
supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,
where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have
to
leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone
you know who needs a Good Laugh.........
Subject: Subject: I Love Your Ears
A young man moved into a new apartment of his
own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there,
an
attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes,
wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a
conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and
it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a
sweat
trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her
hand on
his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He
followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it,
allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you
say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
"It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My
ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I
work out
every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no
blemishes
anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my
ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside,
when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
LITTLE JUAN
Little Juan is in the 4th grade. It's "Good
Health and Healthy Eating
Week" at school.
Everyday of the week in class they're
discussing healthy eating habits
and eating healthy foods. The Teacher asked
them to come to school on
Friday dressed as their favorite food to
school.
Sure enough, on Friday all the kids come
dressed in their costumes.
Teacher: "Oh, ya'll look so cute and so nice.
You first, Little Judy."
Little Judy is dressed in a red, round outfit
with a green hat on.
Little Judy: "I'm an apple. I'm high in Vitamin
A, I'm high in
carbohydrates, I'm just good for the whole
body."!
Teacher: "How about you, Little Jimmy?"
Little Jimmy stands up and he's dressed up in a
long, yellow outfit.
Little Jimmy:
"I'm a banana. I'm high in Vitamin E, I'm high
in Potassium, I'm just
food for the whole body."
Teacher: "Wow! That is very impressive, little
Jimmy, great. Okay,
who's
next?"
All of a sudden, the door bursts open. It's
Little Juan. He is
butt-naked, wearing a pair of cowboy boots and
cowboy hat. The teacher
is infuriated!!
Teacher: "Little Juan!! What do you think your
doing? What are you
supposed to be dressed as??"
Little Juan: "Huevos Rancheros!!"
===============================================================
This equation should be taught in all
math classes!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint
it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean
to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are
giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up
100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula
that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% !
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will
take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard
work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude
will get you there, it's the BullS#!t and Ass kissing that will
put you over the top.
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